The weekend is upon us and so is another edition of this weekly newsletter. A place where we keep circling back to fresh starts. Lightly related, I did some spring cleaning this past month. I scrubbed the inside of our cabinets and laid down new shelf liners, I donated a rice cooker we never used, I sprayed our HVAC filters with a hose and only broke two of them.
Spring cleaning can be soul affirming, but it can be painful too. You hang onto things far past their age of use. Out of habit, ambivalence, or sentimentality. Whatever the reason, stuff gets stitched into the fabric of our lives, and the longer it’s there, the harder it is to extract. But when your dresser is full of your favorite t-shirts from ten years ago, you don’t have any room for your favorite t-shirts right now.
Remember that metaphor! Because this week we’re talking about the fresh starts we didn’t necessarily ask for, but might need anyway. The kind that, coincidentally, might just walk off with your favorite t-shirt. Get a tissue, this is the breakup issue.
Dear Jake,
I was with my latest girlfriend for almost 5 years, and sadly, it just ended.
Here lies my problem - I don't know how to date anymore. It's been five years since I tried, and in those five years I've given my everything to this relationship. We've watched all the movies and shows I love together, and travelled to all my favorite places. She's heard all the inner workings of my brain and I all these things for her. And I really don't know if I could spend that time all over again just to end up in this same spot once more.
I know you've had a few relationships in your time, what advice would you give to me who's potentially stepping back into that scary world. Is there any hope?
Thank you in advance,
Zany Zane
Dear Zany Zane,
Sometimes I step on a landmine when I say this, but I say it every time I hear about a breakup: Congrats. I earnestly mean it. I know it’s not easy, and it’s not always your choice. But anytime a relationship ends, it’s for a reason. Sometimes it’s a reason beyond your control. Nevertheless, the thing you were in wasn’t working, and now, you are out. I demand a high five.
As you mention, I have had some breakups in my time, and I know my way around a broken heart. I understand that the silver lining isn’t necessarily the first thing you want to hear. This part does in fact suck. I remember during one of my early breakups just thinking: all of our inside jokes and stories, where do they go? They just disappear like they were nothing? The idea of letting someone know me again sounded exhausting and frankly boring. But that’s where my first piece of good news comes in.
You actually don’t start from scratch again. Yes, the inside jokes do fade away. But you get to keep the stories, the lessons, the experience of what was good, and what went wrong. All of this stuff, even the ugly parts, are emotional data. Valuable findings to file away for when it’s time to put yourself out there again. You don’t have to catalogue it now, just know that it is deep in your brain and it will surface at the right time. Whenever that is.
For now, your heart hurts, and like any injury, the first thing we need to do is rest it. No need to download a dating app or buy a Porsche. All you need to do for a little while is just breathe. If the prospect of showing your whole self to a new person sounds hard, then reach out to friends and family who already know you. You may be short one human in your life, but there are many others who can hold you up. They know your favorite movie is Freddy Got Fingered and still love you, too. Run to them.
So, so far we have 1. It wasn’t all for nothing. And 2. No need to rush into that next step. When you have recharged, know that the race doesn’t start at a sprint. You don’t have to watch all nine seasons of The Office with someone on your first date. Just find a little light in each small thing. It builds faster than you think. Ready for 3?
Here it is. My last piece of advice comes not from having been in relationships that ended, but just from being alive for almost 40 years. There aren’t many instances in life where you get a gut punch that makes you acutely aware of being human. A lot of time is spent floating in space, which can be blissful. But every once in a while we’re shaken awake by something sharp and real. So, as someone who can look back at breakups and see them as growth periods, I am encouraging you to embrace this creeping, hollow feeling, as fucked as it is. This is a part of life you want to feel.
I am confident you will find that your energy and willingness to show an attractive stranger your favorite coffee shop returns. In the meantime, let me show you one of my favorite things. Wild Geese, an all-time poem by my personal GOAT, Mary Oliver.
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting–
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
So there you have it, Zany Zane. And anyone else having a hard time of letting something go this spring. Throw up the shades, clean out the closet, your new favorite t-shirt is out there waiting for you.
Congrats, again.
Thank you for reading everyone! We will be back next week. In the meantime, you can click the button below to recommend this newsletter. That would be awesome.
Want a Jake Take on anything going on in your life? Send an email to just.contact.jake@gmail.com